The Musain Noticeboard
by Epeolatry
Summary: Basically, a drabble of what might appear on the noticeboard at the Cafe Musain - personal ads and notes from each of the Amis


Do you believe that the current political system needs a radical overhaul? Concerned by the way your government treats you? The way it treats minority groups, the lower classes, the undereducated, migrants, women in general, homosexuals and the wider LGBTQ* community? Have you ever been victimised by the political system, by the police, or by anyone in a position of power?

Then why not DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Come join Les Amis d'ABC every Tuesday and Thursday evening in the back room of the Café Musain from 7pm onwards. We promise political debate, a place where your views will be heard, and action on important issues!

Prospective 'Amis' must be willing to commit two evenings a week to the cause, plus additional time on weekends to attend rallies and organised protests. Please take into consideration the risk attached to these activities, and be advised that members are often threatened, injured, and occasionally arrested during these events. This is a big commitment, but IT'S A COMMITMENT TO A BETTER TOMORROW!

If you are interested please contact Enjolras. (Note, anyone overheard using the name of a Greco-Roman deity, demi-god, or hero will be forcibly ejected from the premises)

* * *

Radically politicised law student seeks three platonic living companions. The spare rooms are adequate, furnished, and offered cheap – fellow students preferred. I will not be bringing sexual partners back to the house and expect you to show the same courtesy – or at least engage in the practise of gagging her/him/them so that I may continue my studies uninterrupted. Students of history, politics, linguistics, philosophy, religion, and law all encouraged, particularly those willing to debate into the small hours and risk physical injury (and possible detainment) at protests of same causes. Anyone considered, provided they are politically conversant.

Must be able to cook and make decent coffee.

* * *

Ugly drunk seeks human embodiment of Greek deity. Unattainably gorgeous, blond, with fierce eyes and a sharp tongue, radical politics, and a penchant for red jackets preferred. Must not object to being called Apollo, Orestes, or Alexander (unless your name actually is Alexander, in which case fuck off – everyone knows exactly who this ad is for, except the man himself, and it isn't you, _Alexander_). Failing the advent of a god on earth profaning himself with my unworthy touch, I will settle for a sexually deviant blond looking for a casual sub - um, no - any reasonably attractive and sexually available blond - err - _any_ blond - or better yet, any human being with a heartbeat over the age of consent.

Fair warning, I drink, curse, fight, smoke, blaspheme, and sleep with men, so the conservative and religious may wish to refrain from applying. I will also probably drunk dial you at ridiculous hours, get paint all over everything you own, and be generally obnoxious while undermining your faith in humanity. In recompense however I can offer relentless unrequited love, indiscriminate sexual favours, a talent for forgery, and a number of pornographic sketches.

This ad is only meant for one person and he already has my number – call me, Apollo.

* * *

Student of philosophy seeks study group. Must be willing to converse on a wide range of topics, particularly politics (I am a liberal, leftist, bleeding heart communist fuck, etc.), history, law, economics, literature (both classics and modern works, including poetry and theatre), linguistics, engineering, architecture, and music to name but a few. Must play Scrabble. I enjoy tea, early morning conversation, David Attenborough, photography, playing the piano, and agitating against the establishment. Anyone seeking a casual sexual dalliance need not apply; this really is an ad for a study group I'm afraid.

* * *

Devastatingly handsome, intelligent, quick-witted, well dressed, liberal thinking, sexually precocious, and modest individual seeks similar – male, female, other, or both – for conversation and casual fucking. Willing to try anything and anyone provided it is all in good humour. Likes include leftist politics, raucous drinking games, and sexual innuendo. Dislikes slut shaming, poor sartorial choices, and conservativism. Awkward, love struck virgins and capital-R-Romantic poets with fair hair and freckled shoulders strongly encouraged to apply.

* * *

Law student with a working knowledge of linguistics offering tuition for low fees. I can't offer much in the way of social skills, but I'm a good teacher and a hard worker, proficient in three spoken languages (native English speaker, fluent in French and German) and two more written (Latin and ancient Greek). I am knowledgeable in the subjects of law, literature, and military history, and am capable of translating texts in these fields, including technical terms. I would prefer male students as I'm not very good at talking to girls, but of course anyone is welcome to contact me.

There's not much else to say really, except that I enjoy reading, watching romantic comedies, chai lattes, and the summertime. I look forward to hearing from you soon!

* * *

Bubbly, outgoing fashion student seeks model for end-of-term project. Female or male, any size, shape, colour, or creed, I have no preconceptions - I want this piece to reflect you! My only requirements are a willingness to work hard (read: stand still for long periods while I measure, pin, and sew), a good attitude, a sense of fun, and the ability to make interesting conversation for an hour or two every day. I will repay you in homemade cookies and a rowdy night out once I finish my exams, plus you'll get a handmade, bespoke outfit! What more could anyone want? (A pony, but I sadly cannot offer you a pony)

Call me, text me, wave to me from the back of the lecture theatre, or send a carrier pigeon to my house – just get in touch! :)

* * *

_"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars."_ – Jack Kerouac

Poetry Club

For the bastard lovers of Milton, Ginsberg, Wilde, Neruda, Burroughs, Elliot, Bukowski, Keats, and every beautiful but doomed constellation in the sky. Tea drinkers, deep thinkers, flower children and true punks, those of alternative gender, students of life, lovers of art, victims of love, revelers in chaos. The 2am cigarette smokers, the faithless and the penitent, the teachers, philosophers, cross dressers and sodomites, the children with holes in their shoes and the junkies who waste themselves on television. The longhaired dreamers and the skinhead poets. All the wild things with beautiful souls that speak in music and colours and long-dead languages. I extend to you my hands, my words, and my heart; let us trust in the unity of life and the universal tragedy of the human condition; let us suffer in sympathy with one another and enjoy every damn moment of it!

Wednesday afternoons, 5pm – 6pm

* * *

Lackey wanted. Discreet, nondescript, amoral. Preferably a student (under eighteen a bonus), no distinguishing marks or features, legal knowledge handy but not a requirement. Exceptional reimbursement offered to the right person. Expected to be available for work at all hours. Call between 11pm – 1am.

* * *

Dancer (not a prostitute, or your "baby", you misogynist fuck) seeks female (biological or otherwise) partner in crime for hardcore drinking sessions, drug experimentation, general crushing of the patriarchy, and probable bed sharing (platonic or otherwise). Anarcho-feminists with interesting hair and a) disposable income or b) quick fingers (or both) preferred. Must be open-minded, angry as fuck, able to throw a punch, and willing to hurl yourself into potentially dangerous situations with a smile. Hit me up ladies.

* * *

Free spirited, easy-going barmaid seeks good company. Night owl, well travelled, star gazer, moon chaser, Aries, multilingual, pierced, lunatic, feminist, wine drinker, beach comber, lover of people. My favourite drink is Midori, my favourite colour is purple, and my favourite month is July. I am financially solvent and sexually available.

If you think you can keep up with me, give me a call! ;) xx

* * *

Law school drop out seeks calm, understanding flatmate, preferably with medical experience (or at least someone unfazed by the sight of blood), but a good sense of humour is a must. Likes bike rides, house parties, dancing and smoking illicit substances while discussing politics. Dislikes waiting rooms, being bad at cards, and liars.

Please no extreme sports enthusiasts, knife throwers, fire twirlers, martial artists, dancers, or any other person with a leaning toward physically exuberant and potentially dangerous pursuits.

_Disclaimer: any and all injuries, damages, etc. (including but not limited to burns, cuts, scrapes, grazes, gashes, fractures, sprains, breaks, bruises, contusions, and concussions) sustained during the course of your association with the advertiser shall not be the fault of said party, who herewith indemnifies himself against any and all of the above._

* * *

Good-humoured medical student seeks disease-free volunteer for medical trial. All applicants must provide documentary evidence of all recent medical check ups, travel history (paying particular attention to northern Africa, south America, and south-east Asia), current prescriptions, and any over-the-counter medicines taken in the last six months. We require the results of all recent blood tests, x-rays, MRI scans, CAT scans, pap smears (ladies), prostate exams (gents), STD checks (everyone), and allergy tests. We also need you to provide details regarding your blood type, and samples of hair, urine, and stool. Anyone willing to do all of the above will be eligible to take part in the clinical trial, and more importantly will earn my undying admiration and affection. I will probably give you a cupcake in thanks, unless you suffer from gluten or lactose intolerance, a nut allergy, diabetes, or are severely overweight. In which case I can show my gratitude in a number of non-comestible ways, including free medical advice, an unending supply of latex gloves, clean and safe piercings, and my own good company.

* * *

Shout out to all the hard cases in town! Feel like going a few rounds in the ring? Fancy yourself some kind of heavyweight champ? Maybe you're bored with your piss-poor little life and you wanna take out your frustrations, Fight Club style. Maybe you just like having the shit beaten out of you, I ain't judging. In fact, I don't care. Whatever the reason, if you want a cathartic ass kicking I'll be at the gym every afternoon from 4pm until I run out of bitches to beat. Come play if you dare motherfuckers!

PS – I take bets.

* * *

To the twat who nicked my wallet last Friday night while I was waiting at the bar – enjoy it cunt, you managed to nab yourself a fistful of receipts, barely enough shrapnel for a chocolate bar, a photo of my dead dog, and a condom. I'll let you off this time you little prick, because you're so obviously new to this game, and I'll even give you a tip – pick your mark more carefully! Next time go for the drunk thirty-something showing off his new boat shoes and Rolex, rather than the guy wearing old work boots and a flannel shirt full of holes. You get a free pass this one time in light of your ignorance, but if I ever catch you at it again I will fucking eviscerate you and use the empty shell of your body as an ashtray.

PS – I want that photo back.


End file.
